Team of Me

My husband has been out for a little over a month.

A little more than four weeks and he already has a amassed a small army of a support team. He has, in no particular but a very important order:

• The support of his therapist
• A trans friendly/experienced hairdresser
• The support of his physician who had a ready referral to an endocrine specialist for HRT
• The help of not one but 2 sales people at Sephora, both with expertise in gender inclusive make up
• An appointment with a surgeon specialized in hair restoration
• The support of a high school friend he came out to
• A support group that meets a few Fridays a month, that while he has come up with many reason not to go to, mostly traffic, he knows is there for him
• AND ME

Me, his wife. I have stayed up nights helping him practice make up and see what a more feminized face would look like. Shopped sales finding a good dead on yoga pants and inducting him into a whole new world of comfort. Filed and painted fingernails. Taught him about different styles of women's underwear. Stood by his side at his first pride. Spent hours on the internet researching freezing sperm. Checked in with him every step of the way. How does this make you feel? Let me know what you need.

You know what I have? A reddit board filled with people with helpful stories such as:

• If your partner is holding you back or asking you to slow down your transition leave them
• I had a partner who was trans, it didn't work, it doesn't work for anyone
• My partner and I are both queer/trans/nonbinary
• Also we are all like 12, and have no community/commitments/jobs and can just say fuck the world
• A few "helpful" post and websites instructing me to learn about pronouns and ask him his preference

Thank you KAREN, I already fucking asked him about his pronouns. We had a very adult conversation and decided that while he was still mostly not out and presenting male he would stick with male pronouns. It would be easier on our kids and less confusing not to have on-stage vs off stage behavior. So no KAREN I am not being ignorant/non-supportive/whatever fancy term you want to use. 

Where are my bitches that want to sit around a drink wine and complain that we had the play the "Mine or Yours" game while doing laundry last night #notmypanties. Where is the helpful tips about explaining to your sons kindergarten teachers that while yesterday he had a Mom/Dad team today he has a Mom/Mom team #maddy. Where are the people asking me how I am feeling, what I need to today.  Am I scared absolutely shitless that my life is falling apart #transwife. 

No, I get a shitty reddit board /mypartneristrans with a bunch of yay me posts and #bbqbecky policing everyone's language and some websites with vague references to visiting PFLAG to understand pronouns and transgender people. 

Fuck the internet in general.

Fuck reddit specifically and with no remorse.

I get to keep this all to myself, because my husband doesn't want to be out. 

So I am left here, screaming into the void.

 #nooneislistening

This post is brought to you by bourbon on a Monday night, too much work and not enough sleep. 

#Ilovemysecretwife